This Girl Been Gone A Long Time

I think it's been over two years since I posted.

Looking back at my old entries I feel a little wistful and a little embarassed. I set a lot of this stuff aside when I went out to California and watched my life seemingly fall apart in every arena (family stuff, friend stuff, financial stuff, spiritual stuff). So much has changed. I'm not going to chronicle it all -- there's no point. Let me just say that I've been through a lot. More than I expected to go through in such a short period. I'm still regaining my balance. Last winter was dark. I've been on the upswing since the spring. Everything, everything, everything has changed. I miss writing. I'm working now, full time, in the entertainment industry. I feed my cats and I pay my bills. I do a lot of laughing and a lot of crying, too much worrying and not enough meditating. Not enough yoga. Not enough fruits and vegetables. Lots of affection, lots of kindness, lots of fear, lots of ego, lots of breakthroughs, lots of missteps.

My goal is honesty. I'm moving toward honesty. I'm terrified, have I ever been honest before? I know not what I do. Here I am.

I am here.

I am, I am.

I didn't know I would have such a hard time practicing what I preach. It's been a hell of a trip. I have a hard time relinquishing the illusion of control. I'm in love with control, in love with predictability and clean, comfortable sweeps.

I do not feel what I would not feel. I want, I want, I want to run and hide. It would be so much easier.

(beat)

Where are my trusty symbols? Where are my old faithful escapist myths and legends? My alchemy?

Wet leaves?

More and more I turn to the earth. I turn to her, to her darkness, her slow cycles and great swells of water and soil.

I am less pretentious, I am more humble. I feel quite small. Interestingly, I am more effective than ever.

Thank you for having me.

Comments

[The Brooke]

"My goal is honesty. I'm moving toward honesty. I'm terrified, have I ever been honest before? I know not what I do. Here I am."

This one's proving difficult for me too. I relate to much of what you're saying, about control, about feeling humble, yet more effective than ever... Stop scanning me!

Hey, we should be co-life-coaches together.

[Celia]

Good post.